Saturday, July 28, 2007

My Two Cents, by Scott

Sometimes I don’t understand how people can write such intimate details on a blog. I can’t imagine why they would want to share their thoughts and secrets with the world. Today, I think I’m writing this because I don’t know how else to tell our friends and family over the phone what I am feeling. I can’t get through that conversation without blubbering or almost hyperventilating. I am not going to speak for Sarah because she shares her/our thoughts on this blog all the time, but I do want to share a little of what I am feeling and going through.

Every three months since Thomas’ radiation, he has had a MRI. Every time we would get anxious. This time someone asked, “How do you feel about this one.” This in general is sort of an odd question to ask a parent who is waiting to find out if their son has cancer. Nonetheless, for the first time in a year I felt like it was going to be OK. In my mind I was saying, “No big deal, just another visit to the hospital. Maybe I can get lunch with a friend afterward or go to the mall playground.”
Later that evening Thomas, Sarah and I met some friends. We got the call from the doctor and walked outside…

I AM MAD.

I don’t want Thomas to be in pain. I don’t want him to be scared of people in scrubs. I don’t want him to have to learn the phrase, “It’s okay, no owees.” People with toddlers who have chronic illnesses use this phrase to set apart the times when doctor is not going to be doing anything that will hurt.

With Thomas, we have seen all the things a family wants to see of their son, grandson and nephew. I’ve spent the last year watching him grow, learn to talk and stand up from crawling and start to walk. He finally likes green beans. …Granted, they are dried and taste more like potato chips... He knows how to throw things into the toilet and flush them down and says, “Bye-bye pooh-pooh.”

What has been just as rewarding are the triumphs that we never wanted to see. I’ve seen his hair grow back. He pulled out his tracheotomy tube for the last time in the middle of the night. Thomas stopped needing his feeding tube. He is breathing on his own, eating on his own, needs hair cuts. Though he is a little behind in his ability to speak, when you look in his eyes there is a difference. Lately, he understands more and is saying more than you can hear.

I love him. It’s hard for me to imagine what it would be like to have raised Thomas without cancer. Thomas’ cancer is our cancer. It destroys his body and invades every part of our lives. All of our family, all of our friends and people we don’t even know have been devastated by this disease. I hate it. I hate it. I can’t even write this without having to constantly blow my nose and wipe my eyes.

As we head into another difficult time, I want to thank all of you for you continued support. I don’t know if we could have survived, literally, without your help. Though, I will be sad and sometimes angry every time I think of what Thomas has had to endure, my final words are of encouragement.

Thomas Scott Bickle is my son. He is part of me. He makes me happy. His smile brings me joy. His laugh can light any room. I love him so much. He makes me happy.


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7 Comments:

At 6:54 PM, Blogger Kellee said...

Not even going to try to pretend I understand any of this (both what you're going thru & why). All I can do is send my love & my prayers.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, Scott.

Thinking of you all with love.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Lizard said...

Andrew and I can't even fathom your pain, but we pray for you and little Thomas...

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Ctelblog said...

Scott

I hear ya. I understand only too well.

 
At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our hearts go out to you. We are praying.

Michael and Jana

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You beat this once T and you can beat it again. I will be praying for you and your mommy and daddy.

Scott & Sarah,
I am sorry to hear that T has to walk this fire again but I BELIEVE he will kick it again.

Paula

 
At 4:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like permission to post your site on www.ashersfriends.blogspot.com

Please check the prayers site out and let me know.

thompson@sptent.com

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Jonathan Ridenour said...

Scott, you and your family are in Steph and my prayers. Words can't say anything. I've cursed and prayed for you since I found out.

Blessings.

 

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