Friday, January 04, 2008

Holy Days

Whenever Thomas got out of surgery, which has happened a lot, we'd get to see him finally when we got to the recovery room. We'd sit in the waiting room with our hearts in our throats for hours of surgery, getting periodic phone calls to tell us that he was still alive, still in process. Finally, we'd get the call that they were done, and then we had to wait and wait some more until one of us was allowed to come back.

The recovery room had a dozen or so beds very close together; you frequently have to scoot around another parent to get close to your own child's bed. The last time I had to fold myself into a spot in the recovery room, Thomas had had three major surgeries in less than two weeks.

I was sitting there trying to telepathize to him my deep regret that he had to go through all of this; I was trying to muster up the strength to stay put and not go screaming from the room.

A nurse came over to make small talk. About my hair. "Please leave," I said, "This is a holy moment, and you are *BEEP*ing ruining it."

Ok, I didn't say that. I played that scene vividly in my mind but I really just mumbled something about needing to focus and the nurse left in a huff.

Thomas is not as bad off today as he was then by a long shot, but I think little has changed for me. I know holy when I see it, even if I can't pull together the appropriate response.

And this time is holy. Thomas's fight is beginning; people talk all the time about fighting cancer, but that's not really the issue for us. Cancer's going to take what it will. The fight for us is to keep grief at bay; to protect the joy that's left to him and us.

He's still about the same as he was last week - more tired more often than he should be, but with a lot of "up" time. We're still managing pain when it comes with Tylenol. I'll get back to this space when the time is right, but until then, just know that no news is ... no news.*

*not to mention no swearing

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At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Kelly Underwood said...

All of Thomas's bright spots make my day brighter too. Love you.

At 4:19 PM, Blogger sarah's_mom said...

George Carlin once said "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

This little guy takes my breath away every moment I am with him. :)

Indeed, these days are holy, Sarah. Truly they are.


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