Saturday, September 13, 2008

Epilogue #Last

One of the sweet habits of Thomas’s that I’ll always marvel over was his “job.” He always had a job – at a certain time of the evening, each night, he’d get up and do whatever new activity he was practicing at the moment for about 30 minutes.

We first noticed the pattern when, around 8 months old, Thomas started pushing an empty laundry tub around, back and forth across the front room, every night after dinner. For the first couple weeks, he did it on his knees, and then as he got better at walking, he’d push on his feet, back and forth and back and forth…

Later, the evening walk covered “job time,” so the jobs went al fresco. My hearts is sore this fall as acorns have begun to appear again; Thomas would carefully inspect several at a time on our walks and then hand me the best ones. Deposits were to be returned from my pockets every 10 feet or so.

After that, Thomas’s job was putting his animal magnets on the fridge in a very straight line. Then making play-dough & crayon towers, then writing while making counting sounds… it was always something. He would work really hard at his job for a few weeks, and then, satisfied, he’d move on to his next effort.

Leaving this blog feels like that. I am someone who just writes, period. It surprised and encouraged me to find that my family’s story had found purchase in so many hearts, but I honestly don’t think I could have managed Not writing about this in some way.

Whether I was telling the story of our exhausting in-and-out-of-hospital weeks, or just bragging about how cool Thomas was, writing about our experience helped me sort it out, review it, hash it up ‘til I could get it past the lump in my throat.

I’m not done grieving, not done remembering. Not done connecting with the people who love us. Not done writing. None of that, by far. But … I am thinking of Thomas looking at the laundry tub after the third week, and instead of pushing it, stepping in to pretend to drive it. I think that starry-eyed carrot top of mine was right – you take what you’ve learned, and then you re-imagine it.

We’re done here, with the blog, I mean. But we’re taking all the support and memories and tears captured here with us when we go. Our next job is one Thomas was great at – making the most of life in spite of cancer. In honor of life.

I told you he was smart.

So in honor of Thomas, thank you for being here. And good night.

Read more!


At 10:31 PM, Blogger goooooood girl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:47 AM, Blogger don't eat alone said...


Thanks for sharing the journey. Thanks for writing and laughing and crying and loving that little boy so ferociously.
Thanks for incarnating grace and hope so thoughtfully.
Please let me know where you surface when you start writing again. I don't want to lose touch.


At 7:53 AM, Anonymous AmeliaJake said...


I hope, when you write again, you will share some of your thoughts with us. I could say a lot of complimentary things about your wisdom and talent, but I guess what I want you know is that you help us be better people.

At 7:54 AM, Blogger Carol said...

It's beautiful - your journey, that is. May you engrave your hearts with precious memories of Thomas. And please consider writing a book, from one grieving mom to another, you offer a creative, inspiring, brave and capturing snapshot of a family in pain. Write it in memory of Thomas -- I'll buy the first copy.
Prayers to you and your family.

At 10:29 AM, Blogger Kristin (kekis) said...

Sarah, Scott & family,

Thank you for sharing Thomas with us for all of these many (but not ever enough) months. While your writings were for you in your process, the words in this blog became a part of all of us - in our minds and in our hearts. Your little boy brought so much love and life to his short time here on Earth.

No, you'll never get over losing your little boy, but you will somehow get through it. And hopefully we can all be here for you as you do. I will continue to think of you and pray for you all as you begin this new version of your life.

At 12:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Sarah.

At 4:36 AM, Anonymous Nana to 14 said...

Thank you for allowing us to share in a very small part of Thomas' journey. God has already used that journey via this blog in so many peoples lives. I can't imagine how many folks have been more grateful for their own healthy children/loved ones and given extra hugs and practiced more patience just realizing their lives didn't include a big bad tumor.

Please pray about writing a book. God has obviously given you a gift to reach hearts through your writing, continue to share that gift.

At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Sarah,
My heart has been with you for so many months, and I have been so touched by your family's story. Thomas has impacted my life tremendously, as has the courage, faith, and honesty you and Scott shared through this blog. Your words and photos often brought me to tears, or to laughter, or both. Thank you. My prayers go with you as you continue to honor life. Blessings to you.


At 1:34 PM, Blogger Monkey Momma said...

Sarah, I understand your need to go. But you will be GREATLY, GREATLY missed. You are courageous to share this journey, the good and bad. I think of you often and will continue to do so. I'm not taking you off my blogroll just yet...I'm not ready to move on. :-)

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Jenn said...

I too understand your need to let go of this blog, but I wish you would reconsider. Your story, your words, have made us all more aware and appreciative of everything in our lives. Thomas holds a spot in each of our hearts and we use his journey to find strength when we need it.

You, yourself said that you love to write...Please consider to use this blog as a place to do so? You may think this madness, but there are many, many strangers out there who would love to log on everyday and read about the everyday trivial snipets of your life. It's what us bloggers do. We're a loyal bunch and we've laughed and cried along with you and don't ever want to stop.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

I agree with all of the above, and hope that when you are ready, you might blog again. Maybe you just need a fresh blog for a fresh start.

Thank you for sharing your life, and Thomas' life with us.

May God bless you as you continue your journey.

At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peace, to you, Scott and Thomas.

At 2:55 AM, Blogger kate5kiwis said...

big loves.
thanks for your bravery to share beautiful thomas - that starry-eyed carrot top of yours - with the world.
you will always occupy a special place in my heart.
love and peace,
i hope you pop up somewhere else in time, i'll look for you.
mwah X

At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarah & Scott,
I'll never forget Thomas and the journey you have shared with the world.

Thomas will always bring happy thoughts & memories to everyone who knew him.


At 7:27 AM, Anonymous Heather M said...

Many many months ago I came across this blog. I am not even sure from where, but I read for a long time. Then I went through some troubling times with my family and must have hidden away the link. I randomly found it on my husband's computer today, clicked it vaguely remembering and was instantly brought back to Thomas' life. I am incredibly sorry for you and your family and express my truest deepest sympathy. Your last three entries alone were full of such strong words. May Thomas rest in eternal peace and that you are comforted by all of his beautiful memories.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I miss you, and your family. I continue to check the official thomas bickle blog, hoping that you will be there. I hope you are okay, and that your heart is healing, growing, being nurtured by physical friends who touch you. You have every right to sogn off for good. Just know that you are missed.

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Dee said...

Sarah & Scott- the above message reflects my feelings also. I - too--still come to your blog-hoping that you will be here. I miss you so very much. I think of you and Scott daily wondering how you both are doing. I also think of the rest of your family. I - too - hope that yours and Scott's hearts are healing. I love and miss you both!

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Paula71 said...

Praying for you this Holiday Season


At 8:51 PM, Blogger Paula71 said...

Praying for you and Scott. May you continue to find comfort in those around you. We will never be able to accurately express how we felt about Thomas. What an AMAZING young man. I miss you blogging. I long for information on how you are doing. I know you don't post here anymore and I understand that but do you have a blog where I can go to keep up on you and check in

My e-mail is

Paula Thompson
The Colony, TX

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Monkey Momma said...

Don't know if you still get notified on comments here or not. I'm not sure of any other way to email you or contact you. But you and your husband have been on my mind a lot today. I hope you are doing well. Just looking back through your Flickr pics, remembering Thomas. Sweet boy...

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

They do still show up. I actually printed the blog using Blurb, so all of your kind words are there for me to flip through when i need them.

Still so grateful.


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